From Star Wars to Sanity: Finding My Way Out of the Dark Side
When I tell people that in 2003 I worked on what was meant to be the last Star Wars movie, “Revenge of the Sith”, some of the most common questions I get are, “Did you meet George Lucas?” (Yes, if you count literally bumping into him and Spielberg on the way out of an elevator) or “Did you work at The Ranch?” (I worked at one of the ranches, Big Rock, but had weekly errands to Skywalker) and “Did you love working there?” (It had fun aspects but no, not so much). Not everything is as it seems.
It was always my dream to work in show business. When I was a kid, I wanted to be an actress and would write to all of my favorite stars with agent addresses listed on the back of my Teen Beat and Bop magazines. I was ecstatic when Punky Brewster herself (aka Soliel Moon Frye) sent me an autographed picture which I proudly hung on my bulletin board. At home, I would sing and dance to everything from Annie to Madonna’s “Material Girl”, pretending I was on the stage and everyone was staring at me in awe.
When I turned 13, my mom signed me up for acting classes in downtown San Francisco at a studio called “Kids on Camera.” The first time I saw myself on camera (and got brutal feedback from the other kids in my class), I went home and cried. My self-esteem completely tanked. However, being the resilient kid that I was, instead of throwing my dream completely away, I decided to focus on working on the other side of the camera. Five years later, I was packing my car and driving to Los Angeles to enroll in USC’s elite film school.
Though I was never a truly talented filmmaker, I loved living in the epicenter of the television and film industries. Upon graduating, as I was driving through the Malibu hills, a fresh-faced and eager 21-year-old on my way to my very first interview, I remember thinking, “Wow, I have really made it!” Little did I know that I was about to be grilled for an hour by none other than Steven Seagal, later called the “biggest jerk in Hollywood” by the press. I went to my car and cried. Was this what Hollywood was going to be like? Was I tough enough for this industry?
I decided to trust my gut and took an unpaid internship at Artisan Entertainment, which led to a full-time job not long after. While I had an amazing manager, living in Los Angeles and working in the industry soon lost its luster and two years later I was in my car driving back up north. I did not want to give up on the business entirely which is what led to my stint at Lucasfilm. However, my skin never grew thick enough to be able to handle the tempers that were often out of control or the stress level of working in such a fast-paced, highly competitive environment. So what did I do? I went straight from Lucasfilm to Google, out of the frying pan, and into the fire.
My first few years at Google were amazing. I thought I had won the lottery. This is back in 2006 when the snack rooms looked like 7-11s and they closed Disneyland down so the entire company could party together. I traveled and lived all over the world and had amazing experiences. However, as the company grew, so did my stress level. I found myself working nonstop, nights and weekends included. I remember my mother saying it was as if my laptop was a body appendage. On top of everything, my family was dealing with a crisis situation at home. I tried opening up to my managers and HR, but no one truly heard me or knew how to help. I had been a top performer for almost a decade but started to push back on my workload and was soon put on a performance plan. Being a Type A perfectionist, despite my father’s advice to “never let them see you cry at work”, I ended up having a breakdown in the office and went on a mental health leave.
Not many people were talking about mental health in 2016 when I had my breakdown. It was not until I started opening up to my coworkers that I realized they were also under so much stress and did not know how to get support in the workplace. During my mental health leave, I did a lot of soul-searching. My doctor diagnosed me with high blood pressure and told me that if I continued to push myself to this degree, I could have a heart attack in my early 30s. The anxiety was something that I thought I could keep pushing through, but my heart? I could die because of my job? I came to the immediate conclusion that it was time for me to leave the company.
Leaving was liberating but also incredibly frightening. So much of my identity had been wrapped up in my career. My mother, a middle school teacher, had students who treated me like a celebrity every time I came to visit. However, the self-gratifying feeling was fleeting. If they only knew what was going on behind the scenes, behind the glamorous veneer.
I am incredibly grateful for the amazing experiences that my career has provided me, I always say they make for great dinner party stories. If it were not for these experiences, I do not think I would have found my true passion, working in mental health and supporting others who are going through difficult times.
Since I left the corporate world in 2022, I have heard similar stories about anxiety, depression, and burnout. My advice is that though this time may feel dark, you will get through it. Life is full of infinite possibilities. You will find the light.
One of my favorite artists, Leonard Cohen, said it best:
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in
Anthem from “The Future” (1992)
