Navigating Grief & Loss - A Conversation with Shawna McDonald
Grief is something all of us will experience at some point, it is an inevitable part of life. However, our culture often shies away from talking about grief and our emotions after a loss. It is seen as taboo, something that should be done in private. However, openly discussing our feelings can be incredibly healing.
I had the pleasure of sitting down with Shawna McDonald, an ex-YouTube colleague of mine and a close friend. In this post, Shawna discusses her grief journey and how she is using her experience to help others navigate through painful times. She has created an extensive list of grief resources that helped her through her journey: Shawna’s List of Grief Resources.
Me: Thank you so much for letting me interview you today. Can we start by having you briefly discuss your grief journey and what led you to create this incredible list of resources to help others who are dealing with the loss of a loved one?
Shawna: Thank you for having me on your blog, Laura! Less than two years ago my stepsister died of mental illness by suicide. Three months later, my relatively healthy father died suddenly from a pulmonary embolism. Ten months later, there was a mass shooting at my hometown's July 4th parade. These compounded events were my first encounters with serious grief, and they completely shocked my system. Despite being 39 years old when this all began, I was alone in my close friend group in terms of experiencing the death of a sibling and a parent. I found that many people couldn’t handle seeing me sad, which made me feel like I had to put up a front in front of friends and coworkers. This took a lot of energy I just didn’t have.
I’m someone who believes that information is power, so when I found myself struggling with how grief was affecting my moods, my memory, and so much more, I dove head-first into research about grief, loss, and trauma (in addition to seeing a therapist). The more I read, the more I felt I wasn’t alone. So, I started making a list of all of the resources that were helpful to me. It began with a few books and podcasts and has grown over time to include articles, social media accounts, videos, and actual anecdotes on what was and was not helpful for me as I was in acute grief.
Over the past two years, every time I encounter someone who is grieving, whether it’s the loss of a person, pet, job, home, relationship, or something else, I ask if they’re open to seeing this list. It’s the list I wish someone would have sent to me at the beginning. Helping others is something that gives my losses, and the grief I feel, purpose.
Me: What do you think people get wrong about grief?
Shawna: Oh goodness, so much. But I’ll list my top few:
People think grief stops after the funeral. I had people ask me why I was still so sad two months after my dad died. And, I had a manager question whether I was operating at 100% not even three months after I returned to work. When I got these questions, I felt like something was wrong with me because I was still sad, and I was not operating at 100%. This shame was something I surely didn’t need on top of the grief.
People think you “get over it.” That’s just not true. It lives with you always; you grow around it, but it’s always a part of you.
People don’t realize what grief does to your brain. Brain fog and memory loss are extremely common. Especially memory loss of trivial things that you didn’t even have to think about before, like someone’s name, a job task you’re an expert on, or even words to form complete thoughts. The lack of understanding, and as a result, empathy on this part was, and still is, extremely frustrating for me.
People don’t realize what grief does to your body. Weight gain or loss is very common. So are digestive issues, skin and hair changes, tightness in your chest, jaw, and back, heartburn, changes in appetite, muscle pains and aches, shortness of breath, stress rashes, dizziness, headaches, and more. It’s not fun. So if you know someone who is grieving, go easy on them.
Me: There has been a lot of focus on the “5 stages of grief” (denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance). What are your feelings about this?
Shawna: Did you know that those 5 stages of grief were based on interviews with people dying from terminal illnesses? They’re not based on research from those grieving the death of a loved one. So, my feelings are to hold these stages lightly. While it’s common to feel some of these things, in my experience, they definitely don’t go in order, and when and if you get to acceptance, you’re not done grieving. One of the biggest things I’ve learned is that if you love the person, you’ll always be grieving their loss. Notice I said “love” and not “loved.” This is because your relationship with them is active, and continues even though they are no longer physically here. Grief is now a part of you, and the challenge is to learn how to carry it. I’m still learning how to do this.
Me: If someone is unable to see a psychologist after losing a loved one (due to cost, location, etc) what would you recommend they do?
Shawna: I would highly recommend joining a free or low-cost peer support group. I have been a part of three different groups, one through Grief Refuge and two through The Dinner Party. Many religious and hospice organizations also hold free grief groups. Many are virtual as well, which makes access easier. Grief needs to be witnessed. These groups create the space for that, with people who get it.
Me: What advice do you have for others who are dealing with grief?
Shawna: Everything you are feeling or not feeling is normal. Do your best to give yourself grace. And truly, truly amp up the self-care. You are not alone.
Check out Shawna’s list of grief resources here.
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