My Mental Health Journey
From the time I was a young child, I was a perfectionist. I always wanted to do the right thing and never wanted to get into trouble, at home or at school. In first grade, a fellow classmate asked me if my middle name started with the letter ‘P’. I looked at him confused and he said, “P for Perfect!” I definitely had undiagnosed anxiety which manifested itself in different ways, including years of sleeping issues. I had to have my mom either stay with me until I fell asleep every night or would camp out on my older brother’s floor in a sleeping bag. I was a natural-born worrier and on family car trips would yell things like, “Don’t talk to the driver! Two hands on the wheel!” thinking that any distraction would lead to us careening off of the highway. I remember my parents once saying that if I worried so much I would develop a stomach ulcer, so I then proceeded to worry about getting an ulcer.
Things got a bit better in college and I really thrived being out on my own in Los Angeles, studying at one of the country’s top film schools. However, while friends would wait until the last minute to do their work, I always made sure that mine was completed days in advance so I would not have to worry about getting my assignments done. However, soon after I graduated and began working in the film industry, my anxiety started to come back in full force. I was always worried about not doing a good enough job and getting fired and was a constant people pleaser. One day, my boss called me into his office and had me sit down. He asked, “Laura, why do you always act like the carpet is on fire when you come into my office?” I looked down sheepishly and said, “Well, I don’t want to disturb you, you’re so busy.” He then said something that I will always remember, “We’re not putting hearts in babies. We’re making movies.”
As much as I understood what my boss was trying to say to me, it did not sink in until years down the line after finishing grad school in Australia and starting a new job working in tech back in the Bay Area. I was constantly working extremely long days and was truly burning the candle at both ends. I was never able to fully detach from work and was always checking my work email, even in the middle of the night, on vacations, or when I was out on the town with friends. When my family was going through a really difficult personal issue, I tried to speak to my managers and HR about the depression and anxiety I was dealing with as a result. After opening up, which was extremely nerve-racking, I was told that it was not appropriate to talk about these issues at work. Feeling unsupported by my company led to me feeling even more resentful of my ever-increasing workload.
One day when I was called into a difficult meeting about my work pushback and a performance plan that I was going to be put on, I could feel my heart racing and I started to shake. I stood up, closed my laptop, said “I’m done” and drove straight to the doctor. My blood pressure was off the charts and I was diagnosed with anxiety. My doctor told me that if I did not go on mental health leave, I was at risk of having a heart attack in my early 30s. During this time, I began openly talking about what I was going through with my coworkers and friends. I was surprised to learn how many others in my workplace had also been diagnosed with anxiety. Nobody seemed to know how to get help and managers and HR were not equipped to help. I left my job soon after I returned, ten years after I was hired, knowing that I was not going to get the support that I needed.
I have always loved the saying, “When one door closes, another opens.” If it had not been for this experience at work or my family’s struggles, I don’t believe I would have ever ended up finding my true passion and life’s purpose - working in mental health and substance use awareness. In my next job, I found a mentor who truly believed in me and helped me create the mental health program from a grassroots level. This led to becoming a Mental Health First Aid instructor and creating my own wellbeing company where I can put all of my focus into helping others recognize the signs and symptoms of mental health and substance use issues and getting appropriate support and treatment, for themselves and others.
It is amazing to see the changes that companies, organizations, and universities have been implementing in the last few years to destigmatize the conversation around mental health. It was the one bright light during the pandemic, hearing more people openly speak about their struggles. There is so much more that needs to be done but I have so much faith in the younger generations which is why I love working with college-aged students. It is amazing to hear how common it is for them to say things like, “My therapist told me…”, something we would never have thought of admitting to when I was their age back in the late 90s. My goal is to have Mental Health First Aid taught in every college and university across the country and to also have mental health ambassadors in every company so there is always someone who can help others in need.
Watch this space to learn more about the exciting work coming from LDCW and thank you for your support.
